i'm reaching for the life within me
by broliet
Summary: The first time Jesse says I love you, Beca may or may not freak out. That may or may not be a thing that happens.


**So, it's barely been like six hours and I'm back with another fic for this pairing. Needless to say, I think I'm a little obsessed.**

**This idea came to me because I was half-delirious when I woke up this morning. I thought I'd play around with it a little. This work is the third installment in my drabble series. I'm not exactly sure how many pieces there will be, but being as I've posted three fics in the span of like...two days, I'm guessing there will be a decent amount.**

**Just a warning, though: I'm usually horrible at updating things, especially series. I'm high on muse because this is a new fandom, but new stories will probably settle down soon! Always feel free to kick me in the face if I take too long to update, though! ;-)**

**Thank you so much for your reviews/favorites on my last two fics! They really mean a lot! **

**I hope you guys enjoy this one! (I really need to stop with the long author's notes, and the overuse of exclamation points and emoticons...)**

* * *

"Holy shit!" Beca exclaims. "Oh, my god. What the shit, Jesse. What the _shit."_

Beca doesn't know what to feel right now. If she's being honest with herself, she's not really used to feeling anything. She's always pushed away her feelings, pushed them as far into the back of her mind as she can. She's distracted herself with music and schoolwork–when she actually _goes _to class, which she's been doing a lot lately, but only because Jesse wanted her to; because _Jesse wanted her to; _what the hell is wrong with her?–and when that didn't work, she's always just stuck with the motto 'anything can disappear if you ignore it hard enough.'

But, with Jesse, things are a little different.

Jesse has always been different. He's always never known when to quit. He's always been able to push all of her buttons without seemingly meaning to, and even when he does it deliberately, it's hard to tell which one is worse. Jesse fills her with butterflies and anxiety and all of these different emotions that Beca isn't even sure she's _supposed _to feel.

Look, she's never done this. And she's never been good with the feeling thing, okay?

Even when she was younger, before her mom and father divorced, before her father moved across the country for some stupid step-monster that Beca has no reason to hate other than the reason she stole her father away from her–if that even happened, Beca's not sure anymore, maybe she pushed him away, or maybe he went willingly, the details are a little fuzzy. Before her mother was institutionalized for riding the crazy train, even _before_ all that, it was hard for Beca to rationalize feelings and love and basically anything happy.

She probably should've gone to therapy.

Beca didn't go to therapy.

* * *

And it's not like-

It's not like she's _never_ been happy, or anything. Because she has, plenty of times. Her life isn't that tragic, okay. She just doesn't acknowledge them, is what she's trying to say. Or she used to not acknowledge them. It was just easier that way.

Happiness fades when shit hits the fan.

That tends to happen to Beca a lot.

(Beca may or may not be an overdramatic asshole. But that's still up for debate).

But then, stupid Jesse had to come along. Jesse with his dumb, innocent smile, and his dumb face and his charm that not even _Beca_ could resist. Jesse fucking Swanson had to come along and completely disrupt Beca's plan–she had a five year plan, okay, a _killer_ five year plan that ended somewhere between being a successful DJ in LA and being the next word renowned musical prodigy. That five year plan did not involve a boy who would treat her like a princess, or The Bellas, or a semi-stable relationship with her father.

No, her five year plan didn't involve any of that.

She used to resent it. Especially her father, because he's the one that pushed her to go to school and to make friends that she had spent her whole life being convinced she never needed, and he's the one that ultimately led her to properly meet Jesse, who was someone she had _definitely_ thought she didn't need.

She spent years resenting her father.

She's not entirely sure anymore, what exactly she was resenting him for.

She's not even sure if she was even resenting _him_. She may have only been resenting herself.

* * *

Beca is really just this deeply fucked up ball of tangled emotions, okay.

But even now, Beca doesn't know what her future holds.

Actually, she's not quite sure if she ever did.

She was probably just kidding herself, really. Things don't often work out for Beca Mitchell, let that be known.

* * *

Jesse is actually sort of perfect.

Look, Beca isn't oblivious. She's self-aware enough to know that she's at least 95% messed up. She has a shitload of problems that most of the time she doesn't even know how to _process_, let alone deal with, and even though she's gotten better at the whole 'not pushing people away thing'–mainly upon Jesse's help, because Jesse will just stand there and pester and push and plead until the dam breaks and Beca finally gives in. Beca's never felt that before, has never _had_ that before–but even now she can feel her walls coming back up.

She also knows she got incredibly lucky when she landed him.

She's bitchy and moody and there are secrets that Beca will never tell Jesse. Sweet, innocent Jesse that has a mean streak potent enough to rival Beca's–he doesn't use it on her, though, never on her, even when he's obviously angry at her, all he does is talk at her in gentle, soothing tones, and how the _hell_ does someone do that? How the hell does someone get angry at Beca and _not_ scream?–but even then, he's still the best human being that Beca knows. He's docile and impressionable and there are times when Beca's sure her boyfriend is seriously the world's biggest five-year-old. He's pure enough at the core that Beca knows he's one of those genuine, good people that you only hear about in news stories.

She doesn't understand. She will never understand how Jesse's stuck with her for so long and hasn't tucked tail and ran yet.

It happened with her past boyfriends.

But like she said, Jesse's different.

Maybe she shouldn't be too surprised.

* * *

"You don't love me," Beca insists, shaking her head.

Jesse doesn't love her. He's delusional. There's no way someone like Jesse could love someone like Beca.

Things just don't work like that, okay. Things never go this well for Beca.

Beca would like to think she's like the Winchesters–she'll never admit this, but she's always had a soft spot for Supernatural and maybe she doesn't like movies all that much, but TV shows are different, _Supernatural_ is different–there's always a shitstorm when she's happy, and her happiness never lasts. Only there's no demons or ghouls or other creatures of the night to will it away, there's only the angry fist of God and Beca.

"I do," Jesse says, simply.

He's not freaking out.

He's calm and collected and cool. Beca hates him for it.

"No–"

"Bec," He murmurs soothingly. Beca _hates_ that tone of voice, too, because it's the tone he uses when she's being ridiculous with something again. He used it the first time he said that he liked her without using some reference from a movie she didn't understand (because those she can totally play off, those she can _ignore_) and ended up having a fucking panic attack for an hour because of it, and he used it when Beca absolutely refused to go see the new Leonardo Dicaprio movie with him.

"Don't–" Beca says, and then stops. What is she supposed to say, exactly; 'don't fall in love with me?'

She's never been good at this relationship stuff. She thinks that's probably glaringly obvious.

"Bec," Jesse says, "What're you so scared of?"

Honestly, Beca doesn't even know.

* * *

Beca's always had shitty boyfriends.

She's never had one beat her, or anything like that, which she's thankful for. But there was no one more surprised than Beca when she finally ran up to Jesse after the Acapella finals and kissed him.

She's never been one to go for the nice guys.

She's always like the douchebags that never treated her right, the ones that would have three girls on the side and would never make the right time for her. She was used to ignored messages and calls, not someone who would wake her up every morning with a sickly sweet text, not someone who would drop everything they were doing the moment they heard she was having a crappy day.

Jesse's that person.

Jesse's that nerd that has this excitement for _everything_–even schoolwork; Beca's seen it, it's _terrifying_-and it's infectious. Jesse doesn't even begin to fit the bill of a bad boyfriend.

Jesse doesn't have a bad bone in his body, really.

But Beca has enough for the both of them.

* * *

"I'm not going to let you run away this time, Beca," Jesse says, breaking through the wall of monologue she put up.

She's not surprised he's still there.

Chances are he won't leave until she resolves.

"You don't love me," Beca insists again.

She's not sure who she's trying to convince now, though. Herself, or Jesse.

"I totally do, though, weirdo. That's the thing, I totally, like, really love you."

"Stop saying that."

"Nah," Jesse says, and there's cheek there. How the nerd can be cheeky now is not something Beca understands. "I don't think I will."

"_Jesse_."

He simply shakes his head, and takes her wrists loosely in his own grip so she can't avoid his gaze anymore. "Bec," he begins, staring into her eyes. "What are you so afraid of?" He repeats.

* * *

_Failure_.

That's what Beca is so afraid of.

She's afraid of failure and feelings and stability. She's afraid of everything that comes attached to Jesse, because Jesse is magnificent and wonderful and is this other-worldly creature that is so fucking above Beca it astounds her that he even bothers spending time with her. It's only a matter of time before Jesse leaves her, when he finally realizes that she's this utterly broken mess at the core that he shouldn't be associating with.

Jesse's too good for Beca, will always and has always been too good for Beca.

He'll realize it soon enough.

Maybe, Beca thinks, maybe what she's so afraid of is _Jesse_.

* * *

"I don't deserve you," Beca whispers, so quiet that she almost thinks Jesse doesn't hear her.

They've been here for a while, sitting in silence.

Jesse hasn't left. He hasn't left and she's a little amazed by that, that he's lasted this long. She doesn't tell him that though.

He has to hear her anyway, because suddenly he's moving under her, his arm is wrapping around her slender shoulders, and there's two fingers sliding under her chin to move her gaze to his. His eyes are open, confused, and searching.

"You honestly believe that, don't you?"

What's not to believe, really?

She doesn't answer him, and that's all the answer he needs.

"Bec," Jesse says, and his tone is, so, so gentle. "You're the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to me."

* * *

Holy hell, Jesse is _totally_ in love with her.

* * *

Fucking _Christ_.

* * *

It doesn't hit her all at once. It hits her slowly, as he sits there playing with her hair in the silent blanket of her room. 'Jesse Swanson loves Beca Mitchell: A Revelation'. That could be a ridiculous romantic comedy title, actually.

Okay, that's actually all kinds of terrifying.

Her life has _substance._

They've not said anything for hours, not since Beca's conceded (silently, might she add, but she doesn't have to say anything for him to know she's finally given in) to just how serious his affections were for her, and there's a comfort in it that she revels in. Beca may be hard to understand and rough around the edges, but she isn't heartless. She's lost and confused and has never felt like this before, but she's not heartless.

She feels too much.

So, she locks it away.

She's not afraid anymore. She's a little hesitant and maybe a little nervous–there's so much that can go wrong here, love or not–but she thinks she can handle it.

Jesse Swanson fucking _loves_ her. It's only fair she lets him.

* * *

"Jesse," Beca starts, suddenly. She can feel him shift underneath her, from where her head is laying on his chest just so. She can hear the steady 'thud, thud' of his heart, and it's nice.

"Hm?"

"Thanks," She says, pressing a light kiss under his chin.

She can feel him smile against her hair.

It relaxes her enough to the point where she's finally able to fall asleep, tangled up in Jesse and the sheets.

But, mostly Jesse.

* * *

**Let me clear something up, because I know I'll probably get questions about it:**

**I know I didn't have Beca say it back to him, but that doesn't necessarily mean that she doesn't love him. I do think that Beca loves him, but I don't think she'd be so quick to say it, and so easily. Beca is this tangled mess of emotions and I feel like it'd take a lot for her to say it.**

**Maybe I'll end up writing that, too.**

**Title taken from the Blue October song 'Into the Ocean'**

**as always, prompts are always accepted on my tumblr (astins . tumblr) :)**


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